It's All Over-Rated Except Drugs and Alcohol - Part 3

Now, today is Boxing Day, so you're probably very interested in the sales and the deals, but, these stories are my gifts to you, so please, read up. Going to the store to buy an X-Box almost guarantees you will end up in the hospital because you got trampled. Oppositely, reading my blog from the safety and comfort of your own home almost guarantees you will end up still at home, unmoved, because you didn't get trampled. 

3. Drunk and In the Trunk

It was a dark and stormy night. It was summer, and those beautiful summer rains were falling. It was the night of a school dance. Everyone was having fun and enjoying the loud pop music and intense strobe lights. How wonderful! I was expected to stand in the bag-check line with my friend for about half an hour. Uh, no thanks. So, I found a friend at the front of the line and budged in with him. Behind him in line was the stoner group of guys. One said "hey! no budging" in a joking sort of way. That was the extent of the comments and we waited to be let through. After passing the most halfhearted inspection ever, I was let in and able to begin dancing. The stoners got in shortly after us. They all had weed in their shoes or boxers, but no one could ever catch them because, well, the searches were there just for show.

The stoners never showed up to the school dances but they did show up to this one for some reason. Needless to say, they weren't amused by the top 40 music and lack of smoke-clouds, so they decided to leave half-way through to -yes, obviously- get higher than the empire state. I didn't notice that they were gone until I went to sit on the couch that they had been sitting on. Quickly, I got back up to dance. About an hour passed, and one of them came back. He texted me to tell me to come outside. I got my friend to dance with someone else for a while and I went outside. I didn't have my things because they had to stay inside if you wanted to come back in later. So, I was in a tanktop and shorts. Luckily, it was summer, but unluckily, it was raining.

Outside, a very intoxicated stoner was waiting for me. He started mumbling some stuff about how much he loved me. I helped him get to a bench nearby and lie down. That's where he suggested we go back to the dance and dance together. Gladly, except that it isn't the best idea for me to be carrying in a half-conscious body through the bag-check area. Instead, I countered his offer by saying that we should dance right there together. Happily for both of us, he accepted. He said that we should play some music, and promptly handed me his phone. I scrolled through the playlist, and announced all the options I could, "Sublime? Tupac? Biggie? Mac Demarco?"

"No! No! Fuck, man, I thought you had taste in music!" He exclaimed, upset the same way a 2-year-old is after getting the cookie jar taken away.

"No? So what music then?"

"The song by the Pomegranates."

I was briefly confused. I had a hard time believing I had heard him correctly in his drunken stupor. But, nonetheless, I looked for the Pomegranates in his list and found it. There was only one song. So, I pressed play on "Anywhere you go" and he kneeled down as to offer me this dance. We danced through it and as we did, I realized that his phone could be more useful to me. I could find the contact information of his buddies, call them and help both of us.

After the dance, we went to sit on the bench. He had some trouble sitting, so he decided to lay his head down. As he did, his neck touched my legs. As he put his head down, he made a disgusted face and said "Ewww! You're so slimy!" I smiled and said "Yeah, probably because I was dancing and now I'm sitting in the rain!" At this, he laughed and uttered "I'm singing in the rain!" I said "Yup!" Then, his face quickly changed into one of deep concern, and, like a man possessed, he shot upright and sat on the bench. "You're gonna catch a cold!" Quickly, he took off his t-shirt and held his arm out to offer it to me. I laughed and told him to keep it, and put it back on. He looked at me almost angrily and told me to put it on. So I covered my legs with it like a blanket. His face changed to one of approval. Then, he put his head down and stated just a few grievances about his mom. Then he made the statement that he was being a "pussy" and that that wasn't why he called me out. Instead, he kept on telling me about my fantastic-ness, and about some other girls and how annoying he found them! Well, thanks.

I took the opportunity to ask him for his phone again. He gave it to me without question and quickly found the song "My Friend" by Paper Lions and played it. I pretended to be searching for the next song, even though I likely didn't need to make excuses to a inebriated guy, and instead found the contact of his friend. I sent him a text explaining the situation. The stoner kept blabbering. He talked about how he planned on walking across the ocean to leave Vancouver in favor of his mother-country. He invited me to walk across with him. Oh, I was flattered. I promised him that I'd go with him in the morning, since we couldn't leave immediately because we needed at least a few granola bars for the trek. Furthermore, he said "Nat, I know you think I'm a fuckboy, and I am. But, check it out: I'm not gonna do anything stupid tonight. I'm gonna keep this encounter so PG, you're gonna be shocked." Oh, that's excellent news!

His friend replied to me at this point and said that he would be there in 10 minutes to pick him up.

I told my unwell friend that he should go to sleep, so that in the morning we would be well-rested for our journey across the Atlantic. He almost did, until he remembered that he hadn't yet completed the task for which he had called me out. Then, he stood up, and fell over. I thought that he had hurt himself, but he assured me that he would be fine as long as I was there. Then, he instructed me to play a certain song on his phone, explained that he had learnt it for me, and that he was going to sing it from the asphalt because he couldn't quite stand at the moment. He pretended that there was a big crowd around him and said "I'd like to dedicate this one to Nat!" and began singing!

This is, to this day, likely one of the best moments of my life. It was like someone took the best parts from Adventureland, The Spectacular Now, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and every other great teen movie, and mixed them together to create the scene that I was not only beholding, but participating in too.

After finishing the song, I helped him go lie on the bench again, and he asked me if I liked his song. I told him that it was the best song I had heard in my life. To that, he proclaimed that he was a happy man and that he could now sleep! He almost did pass out, as I helped him from the asphalt to the bench, but he had just enough breath left to request that I lie down beside him. I brought it to his attention that there wasn't enough space on the bench for the both of us. Upset with his un-chivalrous action, he rolled off the bench and offered it to me. I accepted it with a "thank you". Even in his delirium, he recognized that, if I was on the bench, I couldn't be next to him because he was on the ground. Coyly, he asked if I'd be willing to lay beside him on the ground. So I myself rolled off and laid down on the wet ground. I folded his shirt and put it under our heads, he touched my hand and everything remained very "PG". I kept his music playing and checked the messages. "Sorry, traffic... Be there soon." Well, there was no traffic in my line of sight, but I wasn't going to make a fuss. This boy was after all saving me from a night that could escalate.

My unwell friend passed out into what to me seemed like a coma, while MGMT music played. It was a very deep sleep. I saw his friend's car on the horizon and got up to flag it down. When his friend got out of the car, he said "You know, there was no need to flag me down. It's not like there are two people laying in the rain at every corner, you know?" I ignored his remark and said "Cool, you're late." He smiled and said "I know, I'm sorry. And I'm also sorry for whatever stupid shit he did. I'll keep a tighter leash on him next time he's off." I said "It's fine, not your problem. What's the plan?" He said "We'll pop him in the trunk and take him to my place. He'll sleep it off and have no idea what happened - the usual." I said "OK fine. Are you OK to drive, though?" His friend rolled his eyes and said "Bro, I made it here, didn't I? Don't worry bout it. Go back to your stupid dance and chill out. Your friends are probably worried." I agreed.

One more guy walked out of the car. I looked in the back seat and there were a few other people who looked similarly messed up, so I understood why my dear Atlantic-Ocean-Voyage-Buddy was required to be placed in the trunk. The two boys looked at me and stated "You're gonna have to help here unless you want him to stay here." I asked what they needed. "Grab his legs!" So I did. We carried him to the trunk and they calmly dropped him in. He didn't budge. His eyes didn't flutter. He was completely out of it. I asked for reaffirmation of his well-being and they assured me. They drove away and I went back to my dance. I went to the bathroom to come to my senses. Rapidly, I got back to dancing and it was as if no one had even noticed my absence. Awesome.

I feel like it was as a result of my friendship and association with this guy that everybody thought that I was also a stoner, and thus confided all of their own drug-a-riffic secrets to me.