The Things I've Done

A few days ago, I updated the quote on my blog to the lyrics of a song by the band Grøenland. The Things I've Done is a great song, and the quote is the first I have ever posted that is song lyrics. I was so inspired by the song that I actually decided to close read it (in my own hipster way, of course). I must say that I usually detest close readings of anything, but this song really felt right. I think that its effect might be because it reminded me of myself. Seriously though, the lyrics are very relatable in my mind and seem to fit the events going on in my life at the moment. Below, you will find my close reading with regards to myself (narcissistic, maybe?) I guess it's a small scope into my mind, and particularly, how I feel about myself. Enjoy!

I wonder 'bout the things I've done, and I question the morality of the events I've instigated. Part of me regrets them and the other part finds justification for them. I am still so young, and it doesn't seem as if there has been ample time for me to do everything that I have, nor has their been enough time for me to reflect on events and question my actions in them. I have done so many terrible things with society as my guide. For some sad reason -perhaps because my parents have only ever tried to teach me the morally fulfilling things- I've only managed to pick up and retain the atrocious parts of society's behaviour, and I've filled my heart with so much junk. The glimmering goodness, which remains in me, seems to be withering away. It causes me to fear to what degree and how the bad things will manifest themselves in the future. I fear the possible repercussions they will have on me and those around me, if they have not already caused damage. I am honestly scared to see what my heart will become. 

I wonder about the things that last, and fear the long term, especially in human relationships. I question every part of any long term commitment. I feel as if any relationship, especially the long term ones, will result in lies, secrets and other malicious things. I have experienced it, I have done it and I undermine everyone else because of it. I don't want to be hurt because I know that deceptions hurt like broken glass. When I do start a relationship, I want it to last, I want it to come to fruition. I haven't gotten into it to lie, and hurt other people. However, I don't do anything without carefully calculating the possible consequences. I don't put effort into something to not get something out of it, I don't water trees to watch them die.
Sometimes, I sink into my own little world. I put myself behind the bars inside my mind, and I observe everything and everyone. I seem to come to peace with myself in these situations and determine right from wrong. Usually, I cannot come upon a verdict about a situations quickly and it takes me time, so, to apprehend the next sign I keep waiting in line. This line is the constant debate over everything in my head. When I do come upon an answer that satisfies me, and when I have successfully determined right from wrong, I am happy. The answers can become extremely important to me. They can determine countless fundamental aspects of life, and despite that, I am eager to come upon them. I know that when I do make up my mind, I'll take good care of what I got. Due to my stubbornness, I will never accept another person's view. Moreover, I will fight for my view and do everything I can to propagate it. When this, however, is not possible, I protect my opinion and defend it, no matter what. I'll go to the point of no return -in debating terms- I'll stay awake to watch the sun come out, if that means that my opinion will reign supreme.
I won't lie, all the things that I've done because of my pride and behaviour, have sometimes got me wandering alone. Sometimes, it's just me against the world, with regards to my opinions. Even then, I can't keep quiet, and I can't accept any differentiation from my thoughts.
I am not a total psychopath. I remember regretting my stubbornness a few times. I remember looking back and realizing what a lunatic I had been to propagate an idea in such a manner. Sometimes, like now, my eyes are looking down. They are looking down, in a way, at people in contempt. Contempt for those bold and brave enough to disagree with me. On the other hand, they are looking down in regret. It's like when you put a person in their place and they know that they've erred, so they just look down. I have put myself in my own place. I yelled at myself, because I am the only person who I will listen to. I got myself off my high horse and a little more in touch with reality. Sadly, I can't tell which is better. I don't know if it's better to just blindly accept criticism and thus, see yourself as inferior, or if it's better to feel as if you're never wrong. A part of me wants to change; to find a "grey" area, but it's a very small part. I fear myself the way I am right now, but I hate the appearance of all those other good people. It's like I fear the night (or the dark side) and hate the sun. Preferably, I could just be reborn, but time doesn't permit for that to happen, nor does the environment. I want to become a different person. I want to change the way that I speak and everything else associated with my current self and turn into something ideal. I want be free. Totally free, with everything at my disposal for a fresh start. I want to just let loose. I want to play and feel the beat.
So, what have all the things that I've done, done to me in return? They've got me wandering alone, sometimes and they cause me great stress - too much for a child of my age. But I don't know how to stop it all. How do you make a 180* turn in your life, without destroying the balance and state  of everything drastically? You don't, I guess.