Debate: The Dilemma

As you may have understood from my last post, Sick Priorities, I have come to a sort of cross-roads in my debating career. I am facing a dilemma about whether or not I should continue with debate. It has been something that I have loved for so long, but it is starting to hurt me emotionally.

When I first started, it was something that I thought would stick with me throughout my whole life. Sadly, this past year has been encouraging doubts in my mind about debate, and about what I truly want to do with my life.

Honestly, I don't want to find something else, but I don't want to be subject to the terrors associated with debate anymore either. To one that has never adored debate as much as I have, this post probably seems like a drastic exaggeration and makes me seem like a weakling, but I assure you it is not. I urge you to look into the depths of your soul and find something that means very much to you, a person, perhaps? Think about how you'd feel if that thing/person cheated you so many times. Wouldn't you be hurt? I feel like I am in a relationship with debate and that personification would be the the best way to explain myself:

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When I first met Debate, it was love at first sight. We were introduced by a substitute teacher -Ms. Opatovsky- in grade 7. Everything about Debate was perfect. The subtle words, the intense arguments, the fiery passion in his voice, even the back and forth arguments were sublime. I went home to my mother, and described to her the beauty of Debate and told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. She was fine with that. Our love was just perfect, I had found my missing piece and I had become Debate's new accessory. I knew that this would be a long-lasting and love-filled relationship. It was for about 2 and a half years. Then the rains came. Some of his antics, the ways Debate cheated me: biased judging, undeserved scores, no success - were simply starting to get to be too much. I was depressed for a while, but decided to give this old flame another shot. It was fine for  a little bit, then the same things started repeating themselves. Little by little, Debate was killing me. My love so strong was getting chewed on and dissolved by Debate. I was being used.

All this time I had lived with a veil over my eyes, thinking that Debate truly loved me - that he would support me. It was all lies. I continued on with him, simply because old habits die hard. Despite our seemingly perfect external appearance, despite everyone telling us what a great couple we made, we had some deep problems. We both continued, not wanting to disappoint those around us, but it was a mistake. We grew apart. Debate came back and tried to woo me back to his seemingly affectionate arms. This time, it would take more than just Debate's smooth talking. So he gave me a win, or two, or three. I fell for it, and I was warped back into his cunning world. It seemed like each time I was on the rocks about our relationship, Debate would pull out a win for me, as if to encourage me to stay. Being the naïve romantic that I was, I would accept. But I am now at a point, a point where I know Debate for who he truly is. I know his antics, and I know his true intentions. I want to break off our relationship for good, but I don't want to hurt anyone. So I believe that Debate and I will stay together for these last few months. We will portray our pretty image, and then at the start of grade 11, I will drop off the face of the Earth. Leaving Debate and his antics behind, and most importantly, leaving the grief that he has caused me behind.  Debate can try and save this one, but it's going to be much harder than a few wins, it's going to be an uphill battle, which I'm not sure he is willing to fight. 

I pledge that I will keep myself open to love. I will give Debate one final chance to caress me back into his arms, but if this fails, then so does our relationship. I will come to the practices, and I will attend the tournaments, but I will be vigilant. I will not let myself fall as easily as before. No more tricks, I beg. And please, do not try and save our relationship, it simply does not concern you. I have a broken heart and only Debate can heal it. I am sorry that I will not be attending practice today, I just need a break.
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In a way, I am grateful because debate has served as a sort of window pane to the evils of this society, but at the same time, I feel that I needn't be exposed to such evils, in such a quantity, at this time in my life. On the other hand, my life has been so very improved by debate. I have made my academic life revolve around it. I try to intertwine debate into everything I do. Though this may sound like exaggeration, I truly believe that debate had given me a sort of purpose in life, and I think that stopping it would force me to find something else, which may or may not be as amazing as debate.

I guess that I don't have a rich enough vocabulary, or that I am not mature enough to clearly portray these feelings, so instead, I decided to personify debate. I believe that that was the best way to demonstrate all my feelings. Thanks for listening.